Honestly, the last couple of weeks have been pretty monotonous, with flashes of amusement (aka sushi, a little bit of shopping, a better-than-expected viewing of The Proposal). I've mostly been trucking along at my internship, going on a couple interviews, and applying for (gak!) post-graduation jobs. I must share with you a tragedy, however:
Wait for it...
It never gets easier....=(
I'm such a PB & Co. darling (White Chocolate Wonderful is the shit, and am I alone in thinking that those hard little raisins in the Cinnamon Raisin Swirl are worth digging for?? Sorry for the slightly obscene image that might bring up), but I'm desperate to try P.B. Loco! I've only ever seen the White Chocolate Raspberry, which I'm all up for trying, but the Cookie Dough flavor sounds divine!! Anyone know where I can find it in the LA area? Willing to drive out of the city for peanut butter!!
Enough about peanut butter, thanks for still reading this crazy one's ramblings!
In terms of how I've been feeling...two weeks ago I found that I was slowly falling into that all-too familiar, unwelcome rut of mine. It sneaks around, drawing on my energy, draining me. I don't pretend that I've become this uber-healthy, normally-eating human being. I've come a long way from being the college student who:
- thought eating over 400 calories a day meant utter, complete failure;
- spent classes and every spare minute of her day creating menus;
- needed to know the caloric value of one stalk of broccoli;
- began to leave the dorm room only for class and work;
- had to sit at her desk wrapped in a humungous comforter because she could never get warm;
- couldn't sleep for thinking about the hunger, the cold;
- measured her self-worth by how many ribs she could count each morning in the mirror
- spent hours on thinspiration sites, and an equal amount of hours on food sites, lusting after food she could never allow herself to have;
- shunned/avoided all her closest friends, losing most of them forever;
- lost sight of all that was important, all that was beautiful;
- wrote self-loathing messages to herself reminding her every day how worthless, unloved and fat she was;
- nearly passed out one night;
- binged when the hunger became too much;
- trekked 10 minutes in freezing winter mornings to go to the gym
That is just an example of how much my disordered eating altered my life and made me someone I didn't recognize. I was never officially diagnosed as anorexic, but living on 400 calories a day is NOT acceptable EVER. The strangest eating rituals I had - never eating in front of people, no food after 2 p.m.!, refusing to eat even one Teddy Graham that a friend literally tried to shove down my throat...
I'll probably go more into where all these behaviors came from, but for now, it's enough to say that I still struggle at times. I know that I'm more reclusive than I should be, especially when I feel like I've eaten too much. Eating out with my friends still scares me, and I skip lunch on a regular basis. Of course, I've overcome my fear of lots of food - peanut butter, ice cream, pasta - and sometimes appear downright normal - froyo 5 days in a row! - but then the shadows come back, nudging me, reminding me that I'm becoming lazy.
I absolutely loathe this side of me. I'm just afraid that I'll never be satisfied with myself - the way my body looks to me affects how I am as a person, I'm still weak like that. I'm afraid that I'll never let myself be loved by anyone, I'm afraid that I'll just never be good enough.
Sorry for the depressing post! I know all you girls go through similar feelings, and I'd love to hear how you stay strong. I just never had anyone to talk to about these issues. My hidden demons =P
Harry Potter tomorrow!!!!