Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Prodigal Peanut Butter Princess Returns...

Wow, I suck at this don't I? =P

Honestly, the last couple of weeks have been pretty monotonous, with flashes of amusement (aka sushi, a little bit of shopping, a better-than-expected viewing of The Proposal). I've mostly been trucking along at my internship, going on a couple interviews, and applying for (gak!) post-graduation jobs. I must share with you a tragedy, however:

Wait for it...

It never gets easier....=(

I'm such a PB & Co. darling (White Chocolate Wonderful is the shit, and am I alone in thinking that those hard little raisins in the Cinnamon Raisin Swirl are worth digging for?? Sorry for the slightly obscene image that might bring up), but I'm desperate to try P.B. Loco! I've only ever seen the White Chocolate Raspberry, which I'm all up for trying, but the Cookie Dough flavor sounds divine!! Anyone know where I can find it in the LA area? Willing to drive out of the city for peanut butter!!

Enough about peanut butter, thanks for still reading this crazy one's ramblings!

In terms of how I've been feeling...two weeks ago I found that I was slowly falling into that all-too familiar, unwelcome rut of mine. It sneaks around, drawing on my energy, draining me. I don't pretend that I've become this uber-healthy, normally-eating human being. I've come a long way from being the college student who:

  • thought eating over 400 calories a day meant utter, complete failure;
  • spent classes and every spare minute of her day creating menus;
  • needed to know the caloric value of one stalk of broccoli;
  • began to leave the dorm room only for class and work;
  • had to sit at her desk wrapped in a humungous comforter because she could never get warm;
  • couldn't sleep for thinking about the hunger, the cold;
  • measured her self-worth by how many ribs she could count each morning in the mirror
  • spent hours on thinspiration sites, and an equal amount of hours on food sites, lusting after food she could never allow herself to have;
  • shunned/avoided all her closest friends, losing most of them forever;
  • lost sight of all that was important, all that was beautiful;
  • wrote self-loathing messages to herself reminding her every day how worthless, unloved and fat she was;
  • nearly passed out one night;
  • binged when the hunger became too much;
  • trekked 10 minutes in freezing winter mornings to go to the gym

That is just an example of how much my disordered eating altered my life and made me someone I didn't recognize. I was never officially diagnosed as anorexic, but living on 400 calories a day is NOT acceptable EVER. The strangest eating rituals I had - never eating in front of people, no food after 2 p.m.!, refusing to eat even one Teddy Graham that a friend literally tried to shove down my throat...

I'll probably go more into where all these behaviors came from, but for now, it's enough to say that I still struggle at times. I know that I'm more reclusive than I should be, especially when I feel like I've eaten too much. Eating out with my friends still scares me, and I skip lunch on a regular basis. Of course, I've overcome my fear of lots of food - peanut butter, ice cream, pasta - and sometimes appear downright normal - froyo 5 days in a row! - but then the shadows come back, nudging me, reminding me that I'm becoming lazy.

I absolutely loathe this side of me. I'm just afraid that I'll never be satisfied with myself - the way my body looks to me affects how I am as a person, I'm still weak like that. I'm afraid that I'll never let myself be loved by anyone, I'm afraid that I'll just never be good enough.

Sorry for the depressing post! I know all you girls go through similar feelings, and I'd love to hear how you stay strong. I just never had anyone to talk to about these issues. My hidden demons =P

Harry Potter tomorrow!!!!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Another Picture-Less Post!

Hey all! I know I haven't been updating this baby as often as I should, but honestly my life has not been very interesting. Just work, internship, and the occasional outing with yummy food and froyo! Also, my camera is sickly and I need to figure out what's going on with it.

But I said I wanted to keep this blog up, and I'm going to try to! In the coming weeks, I'll be finding out whether I get an apartment I've been eyeing with my future roommate, finishing up my internship, going shopping for "school supplies" (of the clothing/makeup kind, of course!), and trying some more scrumptious foods!

In particular, I've been obsessed with trying out the infamous, sinful-looking CRACK WRAP! Thanks to http://lovinmytummy.com/ I am now dreaming of trying the hummus + swiss cheese concoction that's making me hungry even as I type. Can't wait to go grocery shopping this week (I go every other week).

Hope all is well with you all! Be back soon (I hope).

Monday, June 15, 2009

Oh Insecurities...

Hi all! It's been a long while, no? Unfortunately, I have no pictures of food to share with you all, so this will be an all-in-all boring post.

I did want to write because I want to get your ideas on something: How do you break out of your shell? I'm not really shy, or at least as shy as I used to be as a child. Once you get to know me, I can be downright extroverted (and annoying haha!). But still...there are so many times when I feel just so AWKWARD. When I'm in a social situation I sometimes just don't want to talk. I'm one of those people who, if they have nothing to say, would rather not say anything at all.

I'm also worried that I'm going to make myself sick someday worrying all the time about whether I've made a social faux pas of some sort. I wonder if people are aware of how awkward and out of place I feel at times; I don't really have an urge to be the center of attention, and I'm perfectly content with silence. I don't know, is this normal? Is it normal to worry that I don't come off nice enough, polite enough, that I don't make the effort to suck up to employers, strangers, etc.?

Welcome to my OCD World =P

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Yay for Saturdays and Donuts!!

My first official summer Saturday...well it feels that way after this first week of interning!

No lie, I'm an early riser. I love waking up early before the rest of the world has started stirring, and just using those couple hours to relax and go at my own pace. Of course, it isn't too long before I'm scrounging around for breakfast!

I drove to a fabulous little bakery about 1/2 hour away from home, craving a simple cup of coffee (with half-and-half and 1 packet of Equal) and a luscious chocolate croissant. I didn't take a picture (I'm a horrible blogger!), but I did get through two chapters of Breaking Dawn (I'm nearing the end!) Even at the hour of 7:30, there were a couple of other customers, but it wasn't so busy as to be distracting. I love it!

I wish I could have taken some pics for you all, but hopefully next time! Meantime, check out the giveaway at Healthy & Sane! Donuts anyone??

Friday, June 5, 2009

My Lips My Sugar...

Yay for Friday! First week of internship done chicas. AND I also got a PT job! I'll gab more about that later since I actually haven't started working there yet!

Confession: I finished off the rest of the TJ tortilla chips today and ingested way more ketchup than is normal for a healthy person. I needed it to finish off the bag of baby carrots too! It counts as a vegetable, right? In...condiment...form...
Breakfast was the usual:

Ok, so I need to apologize for the horrible pictures I've been putting up! The lighting in my apartment is shitty and I think my camera's going through a mid-life crisis as well. I'll work on it!

2 scoops each Banana Nut Cheerios & Cinnamon Puffins
splash of light vanilla Silk
about a tbsp of Skippy Natural

Next up, my chip binge before work. Yikes...I went to work at 10 a.m., and my stomach was horribly grumbling at noon, so I snagged 3 Red Vines from the enormous bucket in the office kitchen. Did the trick, and I'm a Red Vine girl anyway!

Tomato soup (chunky yum), with S&P and Tabasco sauce
baby carrots with ketchup (finished off the bag later!)

My dinner also consisted of a chocolate-dipped biscotti and....

coffee flavored


I may have slipped in a vanilla one later...

No gym today, but I needed a little break. I hate that I sat for much of the 5 hours at work today, staring into a computer. I'm going to have to learn to get up every 30 minutes or so to just stretch my legs.

Almost done with Breaking Dawn! Now the question is: Do I go out tonight or no?? Stay tuned...

Thursday, June 4, 2009

There's A Reason For My Name...

So, in honor of my namesake (at least my blog name), this is what I had for dinner tonight:

I had half of a red-velvet cupcake from Crumbs, and half of this beauty:

Split with my friend! So worth it. We got to walk around a little afterwards, window-shopping at 9 p.m. when all the stores had already closed!

I can still taste the frosting - the best part of the cake, in my opinion!!

What do you all prefer...the cake or the frosting??

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Lots of Salt

Ok confession time: I just finished like 1/2 the remaining log of salami that was in my fridge. And now I'm sitting with a gallon of water next to me. Never mind the obscene picture that must make - meat-eaters anonymous anyone??

My first day at my internship yesterday went pretty well. I think it's going to be pretty interesting, and the work is nitpicky - perfect for me! My supervisors both seem really nice, and the other intern I work with is decent, I guess. He seemed like one of those too eager to please, you know? But hey, we'll see how he turns out in a week or so. We had 4 hours of orientation, and were told not to come in today haha.
I had the same breakfast of cereal, only with Yoplait Strawberry Shortcake. I loved the pink swirls in it! No picture.

The supervisors bought the interns lunch (yay for free food!). We went to this cafe in the building, which sells salads, sandwiches, pasta and pizza. I got this grilled chicken salad and ate half at lunch, and the rest at home (seen above). It was one massive baby - chicken, sun-dried tomatoes, blue cheese, spinach, greens, tomatoes and walnuts with a vinaigrette.

Gym was an hour of cardio, made easier by the fact that I had finally tracked down Breaking Dawn! Those Twilight books are like the Holy Grail - I found a library that had it in stock, and when I got there, the librarian told me that there was an 83 person waiting list, psychos! BUT she told me they had recently gotten a new copy in that I could borrow for 7 days, so off I went and SCORE. Vampire hunter? That would be me!

Note: I have always had a fascination with vampires and the morbid. I'm definately a fan of the Twilight series (my favorite in the movie is Jasper - the way that boy handles that baseball bat...yum), but I have to admit...I'm a Harry Potter girl first and always!! I can't wait for the film!

But I digress...

Instead of dinner, I had a nighttime snack of a plain Chobani - I love how it's not as thick as Fage - topped with a couple Cinnamon Puffins and sprinkled with cinnamon.

That would be Gossip Girl in the back!

I also had a chocolate-chip Zbar that I warmed up in the micro for 20 seconds! Eaten with a tiny tea-stirring spoon, topped with a green jewel!

Ugly pictures, I know. I'm working on it though!

Note: I had my first protein bar a couple years ago and virtually lived on them during exam season and when I didn't want to eat. But I realized 1) they never kept me full, and 2) were damn expensive at the rate I was chowing them down! I remember one horrendous time when I ate 4 Luna bars in one sitting - one of my binge moments =( So I don't buy bars any more; I know they work for a lot of you, but I prefer to fuel up on "real" food. It's so important to me to eat not for the sake of staying upright and feeling like I'm restricting. I need to eat for nourishment! There's nothing glamorous about going hungry.

Anyway, I do get these Zbars every once in a while as a dessert! They're so yummy warmed up!


No work! I switched up my breakfast routine and went to this little cafe for a black coffee (nonfat milk and an Equal - I finished about 2/3) and a chocolate croissant. Something different and a little decadent! I didn't take a picture - I was too wrapped up in Breaking Dawn! I love sitting in cafes and coffee shops with a good book or a good friend. I was also really proud of myself for not eating as soon as I woke up (at 5 a.m.!). Especially when I'm suffering from my insomnia, I tend to eat as soon as my eyes open, even if it's at 2 a.m. It completely throws off my eating for the rest of the day and just annoys the hell out of me. But today, I woke up, reached over for Breaking Dawn and spend an hour or so quietly reading! So wonderful...

Lunch (not pictured is the salami and an extra serving or so of Wheat Thins):

No gym today, but it's back to it tomorrow =) Have a lovely day all!