The Prodigal Peanut Butter Princess Returns...

Wow, I suck at this don't I? =P

Honestly, the last couple of weeks have been pretty monotonous, with flashes of amusement (aka sushi, a little bit of shopping, a better-than-expected viewing of The Proposal). I've mostly been trucking along at my internship, going on a couple interviews, and applying for (gak!) post-graduation jobs. I must share with you a tragedy, however:












Wait for it...












It never gets easier....=(

I'm such a PB & Co. darling (White Chocolate Wonderful is the shit, and am I alone in thinking that those hard little raisins in the Cinnamon Raisin Swirl are worth digging for?? Sorry for the slightly obscene image that might bring up), but I'm desperate to try P.B. Loco! I've only ever seen the White Chocolate Raspberry, which I'm all up for trying, but the Cookie Dough flavor sounds divine!! Anyone know where I can find it in the LA area? Willing to drive out of the city for peanut butter!!

Enough about peanut butter, thanks for still reading this crazy one's ramblings!

In terms of how I've been feeling...two weeks ago I found that I was slowly falling into that all-too familiar, unwelcome rut of mine. It sneaks around, drawing on my energy, draining me. I don't pretend that I've become this uber-healthy, normally-eating human being. I've come a long way from being the college student who:

• thought eating over 400 calories a day meant utter, complete failure;
• spent classes and every spare minute of her day creating menus;
• needed to know the caloric value of one stalk of broccoli;
• began to leave the dorm room only for class and work;
• had to sit at her desk wrapped in a humungous comforter because she could never get warm;
• couldn't sleep for thinking about the hunger, the cold;
• measured her self-worth by how many ribs she could count each morning in the mirror
• spent hours on thinspiration sites, and an equal amount of hours on food sites, lusting after food she could never allow herself to have;
• shunned/avoided all her closest friends, losing most of them forever;
• lost sight of all that was important, all that was beautiful;
• wrote self-loathing messages to herself reminding her every day how worthless, unloved and fat she was;
• nearly passed out one night;
• binged when the hunger became too much;
• trekked 10 minutes in freezing winter mornings to go to the gym

That is just an example of how much my disordered eating altered my life and made me someone I didn't recognize. I was never officially diagnosed as anorexic, but living on 400 calories a day is NOT acceptable EVER. The strangest eating rituals I had - never eating in front of people, no food after 2 p.m.!, refusing to eat even one Teddy Graham that a friend literally tried to shove down my throat...

I'll probably go more into where all these behaviors came from, but for now, it's enough to say that I still struggle at times. I know that I'm more reclusive than I should be, especially when I feel like I've eaten too much. Eating out with my friends still scares me, and I skip lunch on a regular basis. Of course, I've overcome my fear of lots of food - peanut butter, ice cream, pasta - and sometimes appear downright normal - froyo 5 days in a row! - but then the shadows come back, nudging me, reminding me that I'm becoming lazy.

I absolutely loathe this side of me. I'm just afraid that I'll never be satisfied with myself - the way my body looks to me affects how I am as a person, I'm still weak like that. I'm afraid that I'll never let myself be loved by anyone, I'm afraid that I'll just never be good enough.

Sorry for the depressing post! I know all you girls go through similar feelings, and I'd love to hear how you stay strong. I just never had anyone to talk to about these issues. My hidden demons =P

Harry Potter tomorrow!!!!

Another Picture-Less Post!

Hey all! I know I haven't been updating this baby as often as I should, but honestly my life has not been very interesting. Just work, internship, and the occasional outing with yummy food and froyo! Also, my camera is sickly and I need to figure out what's going on with it.

But I said I wanted to keep this blog up, and I'm going to try to! In the coming weeks, I'll be finding out whether I get an apartment I've been eyeing with my future roommate, finishing up my internship, going shopping for "school supplies" (of the clothing/makeup kind, of course!), and trying some more scrumptious foods!

In particular, I've been obsessed with trying out the infamous, sinful-looking CRACK WRAP! Thanks to http://lovinmytummy.com/ I am now dreaming of trying the hummus + swiss cheese concoction that's making me hungry even as I type. Can't wait to go grocery shopping this week (I go every other week).

Hope all is well with you all! Be back soon (I hope).

Oh Insecurities...

Hi all! It's been a long while, no? Unfortunately, I have no pictures of food to share with you all, so this will be an all-in-all boring post.

I did want to write because I want to get your ideas on something: How do you break out of your shell? I'm not really shy, or at least as shy as I used to be as a child. Once you get to know me, I can be downright extroverted (and annoying haha!). But still...there are so many times when I feel just so AWKWARD. When I'm in a social situation I sometimes just don't want to talk. I'm one of those people who, if they have nothing to say, would rather not say anything at all.

I'm also worried that I'm going to make myself sick someday worrying all the time about whether I've made a social faux pas of some sort. I wonder if people are aware of how awkward and out of place I feel at times; I don't really have an urge to be the center of attention, and I'm perfectly content with silence. I don't know, is this normal? Is it normal to worry that I don't come off nice enough, polite enough, that I don't make the effort to suck up to employers, strangers, etc.?

Welcome to my OCD World =P

Yay for Saturdays and Donuts!!

My first official summer Saturday...well it feels that way after this first week of interning!

No lie, I'm an early riser. I love waking up early before the rest of the world has started stirring, and just using those couple hours to relax and go at my own pace. Of course, it isn't too long before I'm scrounging around for breakfast!

I drove to a fabulous little bakery about 1/2 hour away from home, craving a simple cup of coffee (with half-and-half and 1 packet of Equal) and a luscious chocolate croissant. I didn't take a picture (I'm a horrible blogger!), but I did get through two chapters of Breaking Dawn (I'm nearing the end!) Even at the hour of 7:30, there were a couple of other customers, but it wasn't so busy as to be distracting. I love it!

I wish I could have taken some pics for you all, but hopefully next time! Meantime, check out the giveaway at Healthy & Sane! Donuts anyone??

My Lips My Sugar...

Yay for Friday! First week of internship done chicas. AND I also got a PT job! I'll gab more about that later since I actually haven't started working there yet!

Confession: I finished off the rest of the TJ tortilla chips today and ingested way more ketchup than is normal for a healthy person. I needed it to finish off the bag of baby carrots too! It counts as a vegetable, right? In...condiment...form...

Breakfast was the usual:

Ok, so I need to apologize for the horrible pictures I've been putting up! The lighting in my apartment is shitty and I think my camera's going through a mid-life crisis as well. I'll work on it!

2 scoops each Banana Nut Cheerios & Cinnamon Puffins
splash of light vanilla Silk
about a tbsp of Skippy Natural

Next up, my chip binge before work. Yikes...I went to work at 10 a.m., and my stomach was horribly grumbling at noon, so I snagged 3 Red Vines from the enormous bucket in the office kitchen. Did the trick, and I'm a Red Vine girl anyway!

Tomato soup (chunky yum), with S&P and Tabasco sauce
baby carrots with ketchup (finished off the bag later!)

My dinner also consisted of a chocolate-dipped biscotti and....

coffee flavored

coconut

I may have slipped in a vanilla one later...

No gym today, but I needed a little break. I hate that I sat for much of the 5 hours at work today, staring into a computer. I'm going to have to learn to get up every 30 minutes or so to just stretch my legs.

Almost done with Breaking Dawn! Now the question is: Do I go out tonight or no?? Stay tuned...

There's A Reason For My Name...

So, in honor of my namesake (at least my blog name), this is what I had for dinner tonight:

I had half of a red-velvet cupcake from Crumbs, and half of this beauty:

Split with my friend! So worth it. We got to walk around a little afterwards, window-shopping at 9 p.m. when all the stores had already closed!

I can still taste the frosting - the best part of the cake, in my opinion!!

What do you all prefer...the cake or the frosting??

Lots of Salt

Ok confession time: I just finished like 1/2 the remaining log of salami that was in my fridge. And now I'm sitting with a gallon of water next to me. Never mind the obscene picture that must make - meat-eaters anonymous anyone??

My first day at my internship yesterday went pretty well. I think it's going to be pretty interesting, and the work is nitpicky - perfect for me! My supervisors both seem really nice, and the other intern I work with is decent, I guess. He seemed like one of those too eager to please, you know? But hey, we'll see how he turns out in a week or so. We had 4 hours of orientation, and were told not to come in today haha.

I had the same breakfast of cereal, only with Yoplait Strawberry Shortcake. I loved the pink swirls in it! No picture.

The supervisors bought the interns lunch (yay for free food!). We went to this cafe in the building, which sells salads, sandwiches, pasta and pizza. I got this grilled chicken salad and ate half at lunch, and the rest at home (seen above). It was one massive baby - chicken, sun-dried tomatoes, blue cheese, spinach, greens, tomatoes and walnuts with a vinaigrette.

Gym was an hour of cardio, made easier by the fact that I had finally tracked down Breaking Dawn! Those Twilight books are like the Holy Grail - I found a library that had it in stock, and when I got there, the librarian told me that there was an 83 person waiting list, psychos! BUT she told me they had recently gotten a new copy in that I could borrow for 7 days, so off I went and SCORE. Vampire hunter? That would be me!

Note: I have always had a fascination with vampires and the morbid. I'm definately a fan of the Twilight series (my favorite in the movie is Jasper - the way that boy handles that baseball bat...yum), but I have to admit...I'm a Harry Potter girl first and always!! I can't wait for the film!

But I digress...

Instead of dinner, I had a nighttime snack of a plain Chobani - I love how it's not as thick as Fage - topped with a couple Cinnamon Puffins and sprinkled with cinnamon.

That would be Gossip Girl in the back!

I also had a chocolate-chip Zbar that I warmed up in the micro for 20 seconds! Eaten with a tiny tea-stirring spoon, topped with a green jewel!

Ugly pictures, I know. I'm working on it though!

Note: I had my first protein bar a couple years ago and virtually lived on them during exam season and when I didn't want to eat. But I realized 1) they never kept me full, and 2) were damn expensive at the rate I was chowing them down! I remember one horrendous time when I ate 4 Luna bars in one sitting - one of my binge moments =( So I don't buy bars any more; I know they work for a lot of you, but I prefer to fuel up on "real" food. It's so important to me to eat not for the sake of staying upright and feeling like I'm restricting. I need to eat for nourishment! There's nothing glamorous about going hungry.

Anyway, I do get these Zbars every once in a while as a dessert! They're so yummy warmed up!

Today

No work! I switched up my breakfast routine and went to this little cafe for a black coffee (nonfat milk and an Equal - I finished about 2/3) and a chocolate croissant. Something different and a little decadent! I didn't take a picture - I was too wrapped up in Breaking Dawn! I love sitting in cafes and coffee shops with a good book or a good friend. I was also really proud of myself for not eating as soon as I woke up (at 5 a.m.!). Especially when I'm suffering from my insomnia, I tend to eat as soon as my eyes open, even if it's at 2 a.m. It completely throws off my eating for the rest of the day and just annoys the hell out of me. But today, I woke up, reached over for Breaking Dawn and spend an hour or so quietly reading! So wonderful...

Lunch (not pictured is the salami and an extra serving or so of Wheat Thins):

No gym today, but it's back to it tomorrow =) Have a lovely day all!

June 1

Sounds like everyone is starting work/internship today! Good luck to all!

I need to get used to this whole “take the picture before you start eating” business =) Here's a recap of yesterday's eats:

Breakfast was a repeat of last night’s dinner, only with light vanilla soy Silk instead of yogurt. I remember when I used to be so afraid of buying cereal, one of my favorite things ever, because I couldn’t stop from eating my weight’s worth in what seemed like a matter of seconds. I really hope I can stay disciplined this time. Cereal ain’t cheap! =P

I had already eaten ½ the bowl before I remembered to snap the pic. I need to figure out the lighting too; my apartment isn’t conducive to photo shoots. I also had a vitamin (one of my new resolutions for the summer, I’m horrible with pill-popping) with this nut-based tea.
I woke up at 5 a.m., so breakfast was early (I’m an early riser, light sleeper). I headed off to the gym at about 7, and performed admirably after a 2-week hiatus.

30 minutes on the elliptical
30 minutes on the ski machine (what are these called??)

After showering, I felt like an early lunch (only 10 a.m.!):

½ serving of TJ restaurant-style tortilla chips, ½ serving of light Wheat Thins, a handful of baby carrots, little puddles of organic ketchup and mustard, 2 huge slices of salami (I’m not a vegetarian by any means haha).

Inspired by you blogettes out there! I’m going to be copying a whole bunch of you, at least initially, hope you don’t mind! I’m not used to…eating lunch. Or putting much thought into my meals. When I’m alone and in my worst moments, I think obsessively about food, but I’m usually too hungry after starving myself all day to really sit and make food interesting. I really can’t afford to do that anymore.

This morning's breakfast, on the first of June 1...surprise surprise! Another dim, blurry picture of cereal only with Yoplait Strawberry Shortcake (I love the red swirls in it!) and a little less PB.

Kinda looks like a smiley face, huh?? Without the eyes and just a big PB blob for a nose. Ok, it's early.

Back!

I flew back to the West Coast today! It was nice to come back to my apartment and my car! Of course it's always sad to leave the fam, but I know I'll see them again soon =)


I had a whirlwind of an afternoon (love the 3-hour difference!) and visited a trifecta of foodie stores! I've put everything away, but here's a quick rundown of what I bought - at least what I remember:

Trader Joe's: frozen sweet potato fries, low-fat raspberry vinaigrette, TJ's restaurant-style tortilla chips

Whole Foods: Cinnamon Puffins!!! (inspired by the gorgeous blogettes), water (I'm a water freak), sparkling water, 2 original Chobani yogurts (another inspired by you all), low-fat vanilla Silk soy, 2 chocolate-chip Z-bars, baby carrots, frozen broccoli, can of albacore tuna

Your local grocery purveyor: Skippy's Natural PB, 2 Yoplait yogurts in Cinnamon Roll & Strawberry Shortcake (new flavors I think), 1 Celeste Original frozen pizza, low-fat Wheat Thins, organic ketchup, sweet banana peppers, can of cannellini beans, 2 Campbell's soups (chicken noodle and Maryland crab), Banana Nut Cheerios (I'm a Cheerios girl!)

Almost entirely bereft of vegetables and fruit, but the selections were few, and I'm picky!

So now that I'm back on my own, hopefully I'll get into blogging my eats more regularly (as well as anything else I think you might be remotely interested in). I'm determined to get healthy and live fabulously!

My dinner was kind of odd (eaten in front of Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban - sorry, but Harry beats Edward Cullen any day!), but I really wanted to break into my new buys:

Tada! Sorry for the bad lighting (or maybe it's my camera) and the ugly bowl! Everything was new to my palate, and I must say, the combination was magnificent!

I scooped out the cereals using this measuring spoon that came with a chai powder - it looks to be about 2 tablespoons, but I could be wrong. Anyway, I had 2 scoops of Banana Nut Cheerios (yummmm), 2 scoops of Cinnamon Puffins (they tasted almost gourmet, if you know what I mean - nothing too sweet or fake), 1 Yoplait Cinnamon Roll yogurt (100 calories & just the tad bit cinnamony), and a little less than a spoonful of Skippy's Natural PB. = So good and so filling! PB has been a "fear food" of mine for as long as I can remember, and I only recently sucked it up and learned to use it on my oats (thank you again blogettes!). I got used to shelling out $6 for Peanut Butter & Co.'s Dark Chocolate Dreams, Cinnamon Raisin, and my favorite - White Chocolate Wonderful - but I think I'll save those for when the chilly mornings return! It was interesting, I had almost forgotten what "normal" PB tasted like - the Skippy's was nice, and I'm always proud of myself when I can keep my serving to a small spoonful at a time (as opposed to say, 1/2 the jar).

Whew! Still with me?? I'm so excited about going back to the gym tomorrow morning! I'm thinking an hour of cardio, listening to my favorite Lady Gaga! With that, I'll leave you with a pic of me...at least my newly-pedicured toes! Nothing like starting lifelong relationships with an image of my foot!

• Internship starts Monday!
• Need to find a paying job!
• Need a good book to read! (any suggestions??)
• Find a new apartment!
• Work out!
• Play hard!

Ugh Fat Feelings Scram!!

So I'm at my parents' home for another week before heading back to start my summer internship (and hopefully a paying job!). Of course, when I'm home the biggest fear I have is of getting fat, why? Because I have less control over what I eat, when I eat. My mom is always insisting that I eat regularly, and she cooks for me (yum) which I am so grateful for. I'm so lucky to have a caring family who worries about me, wants me to be happy.

So why can I just forget the fat feelings and enjoy life?? I know that I won't be able to get the same quality/amount of food that comes with good ol homecooking, and I'll be able to go to the gym again and eat on my own time. Why can't I let go of that for two weeks?? My priorities are seriously messed up...

I'm Me

So the next couple posts probably aren't going to be too interesting, considering (a) I'm at home at my parents' until the end of the month, and (b) I don't have a camera with me. So bear with me until then!

Who Am I??

I'm in my early-20s, a student, transplant from the East Coast to the West. I love anything that shimmers or sparkles, I'm a total girly-girl, but I can hang tough with the boys too! In fact, most of my friends are of the male species, which has its perks and not-so-perks =P. Currently single, I adore reading, shopping, and dancing. I was on a dance team throughout much of high school, and I've dabbled in yoga and Pilates, but my main form of exercise now is the good 'ol sweat factory and dancing whenever, wherever possible...just give me a sturdy ground and I'm on it!

I love my family - my mom is my best friend in the world. I'm true blue to my friends, and I always love meeting new people. I'm a little bit shy, a little bit crazy, and somewhat of a perfectionist. I love froyo, sushi, and chocolate! (Dark preferred, but I don't really discriminate.) Because of the blogging world, I rediscovered my love of oatmeal and peanut butter (Peanut Butter & Co.'s White Chocolate Wonderful is a godsend). I'm a frustrated chef/baker, and have scorched my hair several times turning the stove on! Other than that, I'm pretty careful in the kitchen...

Movies! I can go from chick flicks to testosterone-driven blood baths, as long as there's some gawkable eye-candy in there somewhere. I love the ocean, but I don't know how to swim. I'll try almost anything once, and some nights, I just love to stay home and watch shitloads of TV.

Whew, me in a nutshell! What else...

I went through a period a few years back when my life was defined by the number of calories I ingested. No piece of broccoli went uncounted. 400 calories a day, no food after 2 p.m. Of course, that didn't always work, and I'd find myself the next day bingeing on who knows what. I was never clinically diagnosed as anorexic or anything, but one look at the dark place I had dug myself into, and you wouldn't need a silly doctor telling you this or that. Looking back at my journals from that time, I'm almost shocked at what I find...it's almost like it was a completely different person. I never went out, I alienated all my friends, and I was always cold, sad, alone and dead inside...

I'm still struggling from time to time, and I guess I'm what you'd call a disordered eater. I still feel guilty, withdrawn and ashamed whenever I think I've eaten too much. But I'm working on it! I'm so glad I found the blog world; hopefully I'll stick to this as an outlet to vent whatever I'm holding in so that I can LIVE FULLY AND BE HAPPY! I don't want to miss out on anything anymore!

Ok, that's enough for now. I'm still figuring out how to jazz up this site so that it doesn't look so blah. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

Hello World!

After reading all of your wonderful blogs for quite a while now (like a creepster, I know), I decided to start one of my very own. As you've probably guessed from the title, I love food, so I'll be sharing my eats, and talking about my path away from disordered eating (f-you darling!), my as-yet elusive path towards getting more fit, as well as anything else that occupies my days, including work, boys (so far there's a BLANK), school, clothes, etc. Hope you enjoy!

Unfortunately, I'm camera-less for the next 1 1/2 weeks, so here's some ssshhh! lifted eye candy for you all:

OMG, he was my favorite in Star Trek. I don't care what the rumors are!